心情 - A letter to a girl I used to be.

新年第一PO
接下來一個月要暫時休刊了~
請大家不要太想我XD 二月再見~~

接下來這篇是以前我翻譯的一個演講
A letter to a girl I used to be


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他是一個變性人，他寫了一封信給以前的自己。
今年五月的某個深夜看了很有感觸，於是躺下去又爬起來，決定把它翻譯成中文，因為有好幾個人說不太懂他的意思。

我沒有照原文翻譯，一方面是為了詞句通順，一方面是有些句子我實在翻不出來@@
第一次翻譯，可能翻得不是很好，不過我想大概有抓到他的重點喇。
如果有更好的句子請告訴我:D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lkn06Y8prDU

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A letter to a girl I used to be.

Dear Emily,

Every time I watch baseball a voice I no longer recognize whispers “Ethan, do you remember? When you were gonna be the first girl in the major leagues? Seattle Mariners. Rally cap.”

But to be honest, Emily, I don’t. Dad told me that like it was someone else’s bedtime story.

But I know you had that drive, didn’t let anyone tell you to wear shorts above your knees, didn’t care if boys thought your hair fell on your shoulders just right. But with girls, sleepovers meant the space between your shoulder and hers was a six-inch fatal territory.

The year you turned eleven was the first time you said out loud that you didn’t want to live anymore. In therapy, you said you wouldn’t make it to twenty one.

On my twenty first birthday, I thought about you, you were right.

At nineteen, you started to fade.

I tried to cross you out, like a line, in my memoir I wished I could erase completely.

And maybe misunderstanding the definition of death, but even though parts of you still exist you are not here, most of my friends have never heard your name until now.

I’ve been trying to write this letter for six months. I still can’t decide if it should be an apology or not, but now you will never hear “Emily Smith” announced at a collage graduation, get married, give birth.

When the prescribed testosterone started taking effect my body stopped producing the potential for new life every month.

I thought about your children how I wanted them too.

I let a doctor remove your breasts so that I can stand up straighter. Now even if I somehow had those children, I wouldn’t be able to nourish them. My body is obsolete, scarred cosmetic, but never C-section.

I was four days late, they will never be grandparents. I was one week late, they will never hold their lover’s sleeping figure. I was eleven days late, they will never breathe in a sunset and sunrise in the same night. I was two weeks late, they will never learn to jump rope. I was three weeks late, they will never shout “Watch Mommy! Watch me on the slide!”

I was two months late, a piece of us will never wrap their arms around our leg for comfort, or just to keep them from falling down.

And I am, sorry, that this process is so slow, and all you can do is wonder if you ever had a place.

You did. You still do. Don’t forget that.

Yours, Ethan.

p.s. I never hated you.

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致我曾經是的女孩的一封信

親愛的Emily：

每當我在看棒球賽時，總有一個我不甚熟悉的聲音在耳邊響起，輕輕的問我：「Ethan，你還記得嗎？你曾經說，你想當第一個進入大聯盟的女生。」

說實話，我不記得了。

爸爸告訴我，那個想法是天方夜譚。但我知道妳有這股勇氣，拒絕讓人決定是不是應該要穿裙子，也毫不在意男生們對妳頭髮長度的意見。而跟女孩子在一起時，肩併著肩一起過夜則讓妳心跳加速、心頭小鹿亂撞。

在妳十一歲那年，妳終於表示妳不想再存在於這個世界上。手術時，妳說妳可能無法活過二十一歲。如今，在我的二十一歲生日上，我又想起了妳，我想妳是對的。

十九歲時，妳漸漸離開了我。

我企圖跨過妳，把妳撇開在後頭，有如跨越一條線；企圖在我的生命中把妳存在過的痕跡擦乾抹淨。這或許是我對死亡的誤解，雖然部分形體還存在，但是妳已經死了，死了很久。甚至，我的很多朋友到了今天才知道妳的名字。

為了這封信，我足足思索了六個月。我仍無法決定是否該用這封信向妳道歉。但現在，妳永遠無法聽到「Emily Smith」畢業、結婚、生小孩。

當睪固酮開始作用，我的身體便停止排卵，停止製造新生命的可能。

我思考過妳的孩子，而我也想要他們。但是我仍讓醫生切掉妳的胸部，好讓自己能夠站挺些。縱使現在我有那些孩子，我也無法哺育他們。我的身體已經殘廢，充滿傷痕累累的手術痕跡，卻沒有一道疤痕是為了剖腹產。

當我的月經遲了四天，妳我的孩子們便不可能成為祖父母。遲了一周，孩子們無法抱著他們的戀人睡去。遲了兩周，他們不能學會跳繩。遲了三個禮拜，孩子們再也無法喊著：「媽！妳看！我在溜滑梯！」。隨著月經的停滯，妳我的孩子們也漸漸淡出我們的生命。

月經延遲了兩個月，我們再也不能一起安逸的蜷縮著屈膝抱腿。

我真的，真的對不起，手術的過程實在太漫長，而妳只能不停的徘徊疑惑著妳是否會有一個棲身之所。

有的，妳有。妳還是在這裡。千萬別忘了。

誠摯的，Ethan

p.s. 我從沒討厭過妳。